


You're Gay, Dude

by ArtlessThief



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: First Kiss, Gay Character, Homophobic Language, I Don't Even Know, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Making Out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-05 22:02:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11022477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtlessThief/pseuds/ArtlessThief
Summary: The gang is getting sick of dealing with Mac's vehement denial of his sexuality. Specifically, Charlie is sick of Mac's shit, so he decides to take action.





	You're Gay, Dude

2:53pm  
Tuesday 

"Look, man. All I'm saying is that I think being gay or whatever isn't a big deal and if God created us in his image or whatever, then why would gay people even be a thing?"

"Because the devil is corrupting people every day, Charlie!"

Mac and Charlie were once again arguing about religion as they burst into the bar. 

"Charlie, just stop trying to hint at it, he's going to be in denial for his whole life, man. " Dennis said from his seat at the bar. 

"Are you boners still talking about this? Usually you lose interest by now. " Dee added as she handed them beers. 

Charlie had been notsosubtley trying to curb Mac's aggressive internalized homophobia in hopes it will force him to accept that he's gay as fuck. Even after days of effort, Mac is still being stubborn as shit! It's taking more effort than it does to get this shithole a passed health inspection. 

"You guys aren't helping me here." Charlie grumbled, exasperated. 

"That's because they know I'm right! The lord loves all his children except for homos, jews-"

"Doesn't that contradict the use of the word 'all'?" Dee cut in. 

"To be fair, the Bible contradicts itself quite a bit. I'm sure you could twist out of context scripture to support whatever you want. " 

"Dennis, I bet you haven't even read the Bible! " Mac yelled. 

"Dude, I bet I could Google 'Bible passage supporting blank' and I would get some result for literally anything."

"Seriously, Mac I don't know why you're so hard on yourself with this." Dee said over the crack of her opening another beer for herself. 

"You're all go- wait. What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" 

There was a pause and then Dee said "Look, we all know this isn't just about the Bible or whatever."

"Of course it is! What else would we be talking about?" Mac looked legitimately confused. 

"Oh my God, dude. I'm gonna freak out." Charlie started. "I'm gonna tell him, I'm just gonna tell him."

"It's not like it'll do anything." Dennis said with an eye roll. 

"Maybe he'll freak out and try to flip the tables again." Dee offered, shrugging. 

"What the hell are you guys talking about?" Mac asked looking utterly lost. 

Charlie dragged a hand down his face and though to hell with it. "You're gay, dude."

They all looked at Mac, waiting for the inevitable. "No I'm not." Everyone let out a disappointed groan. 

"Look, we were going to wait for you to deal with it yourself but it's been years at this point and you're clearly not getting it." 

"Why would you guys even think that?" Mac asked, laughing like he thought it was a joke. 

The room erupted with yelling. 

"Are you serious?!"

"You banged the tranny! "

"You put phallic objects in your mouth! "

"You like to grease up muscle dudes!"

"You literally couldn't get it up for a chick!"

The chaos was interrupted by Frank bursting into the bar followed by half a dozen beautiful women. 

"And what are these lovely ladies here for?" Dennis asked, immediately distracted by the pair of breasts that walked by him to sit at a booth. 

"I figured business has been slow lately, and nothing gets customers like a couple of big titted broads to mingle with!" 

"Frank, I doubt more hookers in here is gonna class this place up for more than our usual crowd." Dee complained. 

"They're not hookers, Deandra. They're models. I promised them a spot on our next billboard."

"Woah, we're doing another billboard? " Charlie asked 

"I never said when I was getting the thing! " Frank stage whispered. He laughed loudly and went into the back office with one of the girls following him. Yeah right. That one is at least a hooker. 

"I still don't get why you think I'm gay." Mac said, dragging them back into their conversation from a few minutes ago. 

"Holy shit, man. I quit. I'm gonna go start the system on one of these babes." 

"Seriously, I'm not dealing with this either. " And with that, Dennis and Dee disappeared into the crowd. Once again, Charlie was left to fight the good fight by himself. 

He turned to Mac who continued to look perplexed and vaguely offended. "I'm, like, way too tough and manly to be a homo."

"Bro, it has nothing to do with how tough you are. Plenty of really tough guys are gay. "

Mac still looked unconvinced and confusion was quickly losing to anger on his features. Alright, that's it. This calls for drastic measures. 

"So if you're straight, you'd bang one of these women?" Charlie asked, trying to seem convinced rather than annoyed. 

"Yeah, bro! Of course. That's a dumb question. "Mac responded naturally but didn't look around at them at all. 

"Which one?" Charlie asked. 

Mac finally looked around at the pretty women clustered around the bar. He looked less interested and more like he was trying to solve a word problem before pointing to a curvy, dark haired woman. Exactly the kind of woman Dennis usually goes after. 

"That one? " Mac nodded. "So you shouldn't have a problem, say, getting it up for that woman over there?" Charlie asked. 

"Yeah, dude. I'd keep her up all night. So I don't think she'd be able to handle me." Mac said acting like a confident frat boy. 

"Cool." Charlie said as he stood from his stool. He marched towards the girl, ignoring Mac's panicked "whoa what the hell are you doing?" The woman looked friendly enough, but not too classy to ignore his proposition. 

"Excuse me, miss?" 

She turned towards Charlie and instantly smiled in a seductive, almost feline sort of way. Perfect. 

"I'm trying to prove a point to my friend over there." he said gesturing to Mac "I was wondering if you could help me out. It could get a bit awkward but I'll give you free beer for the rest of the night. "

"Sounds like fun!" She said, smiling with her teeth. So he lead her back to the bar and planted her right next to Mac, who looked a bit panicked behind the intimidating face he was going for. 

"Wow, Charlie. I didn't know you could actually be a good wing man. " Mac said with some forced laughter. 

"Yeah, yeah. Don't thank me yet. I'm not letting this go." He turned to the woman. "I'm sorry, what's your name?"

"Hailey." 

"Hailey, I would like you to, within the next ten minutes, give my buddy here a, uh, stiff one. If you know what I mean. You don't actually have to get him off or anything. Just use your sexy, feminine charm or whatever to see if you can get him hard." Charlie rushed a bit awkwardly. 

"Okay." She responded at the same time Mac practically screeched "What?!"

"Well, Mac. If you're not gay you should be able to get it up for this girl. You said you could, after all. I mean you even pointed her out." Charlie felt a bit bad for putting him on the spot like this but this denial thing has been getting old for awhile now and if he wasn't going to experiment for himself, Charlie was going to help him out. 

"Whatever. " Mac said as Hailey started to tug him from his seat. 

"Hey, man. At least if this works you've got a hot date for the night." Charlie called after his friend as he was lead a bit away. 

Music had started playing and a few people were dancing, which was strange since it was just past three in the afternoon but he assumed it was Frank trying to keep the models entertained. 

He sipped his beer as he watched Hailey try to seduce Mac. It was quite impressive really. There's no way it shouldn't work with the way she flipped her hair and swayed her hips against his. She touched his neck and shoulders and even divolved into directly rubbing at his crotch and kissing his neck, but sure enough, ten minutes passed and they returned to the bar where Charlie sat. 

Mac's head was hung a bit in embarrassment while Hailey just shook her head and shrugged as she approached. 

"Nothing?" He asked a bit shocked that there wasn't at least a halfy or something. 

"Nothing." She said seemingly unaffected by the ordeal. 

"Whatever, man. There's a lot of people here and I got whiskey dick." Mac mumbled out excuses. 

Yeah right, dude. You've barely had more to drink than usual." Charlie said while handing a beer to Hailey, who decided to sit a stool away from him. "Either way that's only half the test."

Charlie downed the rest of his beer while Mac looked at him with creased eyebrows. 

"I don't see what else there is to-" Charlie hopped off of his bar stool and pushed himself onto the bar itself, facing Mac. He glanced around to see if anyone was paying attention to them and only saw Hailey glance at them as if only mildly interested. Charlie hooked hi fingers into Mac's belt loops and yanked him forward so he stood between Charlie's legs. 

"Dude, what the hell." Mac said but didn't step back. 

"Shut up, dude. If you're not gay, this shouldn't turn you on. It's that simple. " Charlie shrugged as he rested his arms on Mac's shoulders, pulling him closer. 

"That-" he cut Mac off by pressing their lips together. 

What was surprising was Mac kissed back almost instantly. He took over the kiss really. Charlie looped his legs around Mac's hips and grabbed at his hair and shoulders. He probably looked like some awkward koala bear aside from Mac's tongue in his mouth. 

Mac actually seemed way more into this than whatever he was doing with Hailey. To be honest Charlie was pretty into it too with the way Mac was lightly massaging the side of his neck with one hand, the other running slowly up his thigh in small circles. 

Maybe this was going to get weird, especially since they're in the bar with quite a few other people, but Charlie was committed now and actually, rapidly losing focus. He shifted his attention to Mac's neck and slipped one hand up the front of his stupid sleeveless shirt to scratch lightly at his stomach. If he's actually trying to keep this a fair comparison he should keep track of time but that was a lost cause at this point. 

Charlie continued to distractedly mouth and bite at Mac's neck and shoulders and somehow ended up biting his bicep. This inspired a very interesting reaction. Mac gave a soft groan, hands squeezing at Charlie while he pushed their hips together. 

Yep. Charlie had definitely succeeded in getting Mac hard. He pushed lightly on Mac's chest to get him off his neck so he could grin at him. 

"Whiskey dick, huh?" Charlie asked. 

Mac looked away. "Whatever, bro. That doesn't prove anything. "

"Seriously?" Charlie turned to Hailey "Would you come over here one more time please?"

Hailey came over and stood next to them and Charlie turned Mac so that he was bodily facing her. He gestured at the taller man and she reached out to grope at his bulge. Mac turned to look at Charlie and he had to grab the man's face and physically turn it to look at Hailey. 

Mac did not look pleased, even after Hailey kissed at his neck. "He's losing it." She said and stepped back again. 

"Thanks, you're done here." Charlie said to her. He then turned Mac back towards him, who looked increasingly annoyed by the partner switching and apparently his dick's failing to respond properly. 

Mac opened his mouth to say something but Charlie kissed him again before saying "You're gay, dude. Catch up with your dick."

"Doesn't that make you gay too?" Mac said as he pressed towards Charlie again, who, admittedly was reacting in much the same way as Mac. Although, Mac was noticeably less hard than before he invited Hailey again. 

"I never said I wasn't. Maybe not gay, but definitely not straight." Charlie responded, driving his point home by kissing Mac again. "Now what did we learn today?"

Mac glared and gave a small grumble. 

"Goddamnit, dude! I swear if you tell me you're straight right now I'm gonna fucking light something on fire!" 

"Charlie, I told you to stop burning trash! You'd better not- whoa what the fuck." Dennis appeared from the crowd. 

Dee appeared a second later looking like she was going to respond just like Dennis when Charlie slammed his hands on the bar. 

"I was proving my point!"

**Author's Note:**

> Idk man. I suck at conclusions and I was supposed to go to sleep three hours ago. I also wrote this whole damn thing on mobile in one go. It's my first time writing fanfic in years and definitely my first for this fandom. Sorry if it's incredibly out of character but eh.


End file.
